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Scripts For Sale 

"Pelican Pete's Amazing Feat"

by John Burkhart

Some Excerpts:

MAUDE:  Sure can’t thank you enough for all you’re doin’ for me, Nora. Helpin’ out here in the store til’ my arm get’s mended and all.

NORA:  Think nothing of it, Maude. Consider it small repayment for all of the nice things you’ve done for me all these years.

MAUDE:  Wasn’t nothin’.

NORA:  Well, I think it’s something! Remember how you always have a candy jar open for children who visit? I always looked forward to stopping by the store after school for a piece of candy as a child. And I still do as a grownup! And you always have a warm pot of coffee ready for your customers.

MAUDE:  Well, having that candy jar and hot coffee for guests is a good way to get people to visit the store and keep company with a lonely old widow.

NORA:  I always enjoy your company, Maude. The whole town does. We really don’t need the candy or coffee for a reason to visit.

MAUDE:  Well, I really appreciate your help all the same. Wasn’t for that mangy varmint Sam Winchester, I wouldn’t need your help!

NORA:  I’ve been meaning to ask you, what did cause you to break your arm anyway?

MAUDE:  That pest Winchester came in here trying to sell me some moth-ridden old furs for the umpteenth time, and for the umpteenth time, I told him to git! Then, when I went to get my shotgun to run him off, I tripped over his mangy furs and hit my arm on this counter right here! (MAUDE pantomimes the accident during this line.)

NORA:  So that’s what happened!

MAUDE:  That pest just won’t take “no” for an answer! He’s brung the same pelts in here for the past three months and I’ve told him I wasn’t intristed’ in them for the past three months!

NORA:  Maybe he is just using the furs as an excuse to see you, if you know what I mean…

MAUDE:  Oh, I know what you mean all right, just like I know what ol’ Muskrat Sam Winchester is up to. But he’s barkin’ up the wrong tree! I’m a widow and I aim to keep it that way, far as he’s concerned!

NORA:  How long did the doctor say it would take your arm to heal?

MAUDE:  Six weeks! Six weeks of pain and suffrin’ all on account of that mangy, no-good polecat SAM WINCHESTER!

(SAM enters.)

SAM:  Somebody call my name?

MAUDE:  You! What in tarnation are you doin’ comin’ in here after what you done! Nora, fetch me my shotgun!

SAM:  Now hold on there, Maudie! Give me a chance to tell you what I got on my mind!

MAUDE:  If’n I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times my name is Maude, not Maudie! Nora! Where is that shotgun? I got me a varmint to shoot!

NORA:  Wait, Maude. At least give the poor man a chance …

MAYDE:  I already gave him a chance and look where it got me! Crippled, that’s what? Now please go fetch me that shotgun!

SAM:   Oh, go ahead and get it Miss Nora. She can’t shoot it anyway with that arm in a sling. But at least it will be a lot quieter in here!

MAUDE:  We’ll see about that! Never mind Nora, I’ll fetch it myself! (MAUDE exits to back room.)

SAM:  (Sitting at table and propping feet on table top.) So, how’s things with you, Miss Larabee? You helpin’ Maudie out til’ she gets mended?

NORA:  That’s right Sam. But you had better get while the getting’s good! Maude is pretty mad at you right now!

MAUDE:  (Entering.) Got it! Now to do some mangy pest removal!

NORA:  Maude! Please be careful with that thing!

SAM:  Don’t worry Miss Larrabee. She can’t shoot that thing with only one arm!

MAUDE:  (Resting shotgun on the counter and taking aim.) There’s more than one way to shoot a coyote!

SAM:  (Jumping up from seat.) Now, hold on there, Maudie! Don’t get your gumption up! I’m leavin’!

MAUDE:  I’m countin’ to ten. One, three, six…TEN! (She pulls trigger. There is a loud click.) Blast and tarnation! Forgot to load the durn thing! Now, where’s them shells? (MAUDE exits to back room.)

NORA:  Now’s your chance! Leave while you still can!

SAM:  Well, all right, but I’ll be back! Muskrat Sam Winchester don’t give up that easily, nosiree bob!