Scripts For Sale
"Pelican Pete's Amazing Feat"
by John Burkhart
MAUDE: Sure can’t thank you enough for all you’re doin’ for me, Nora. Helpin’ out here in the store til’ my arm get’s mended and all.
NORA: Think nothing of it, Maude. Consider it small repayment for all of the nice things you’ve done for me all these years.
MAUDE: Wasn’t nothin’.
NORA: Well, I think it’s something! Remember how you always have a candy jar open for children who visit? I always looked forward to stopping by the store after school for a piece of candy as a child. And I still do as a grownup! And you always have a warm pot of coffee ready for your customers.
MAUDE: Well, having that candy jar and hot coffee for guests is a good way to get people to visit the store and keep company with a lonely old widow.
NORA: I always enjoy your company, Maude. The whole town does. We really don’t need the candy or coffee for a reason to visit.
MAUDE: Well, I really appreciate your help all the same. Wasn’t for that mangy varmint Sam Winchester, I wouldn’t need your help!
NORA: I’ve been meaning to ask you, what did cause you to break your arm anyway?
MAUDE: That pest Winchester came in here trying to sell me some moth-ridden old furs for the umpteenth time, and for the umpteenth time, I told him to git! Then, when I went to get my shotgun to run him off, I tripped over his mangy furs and hit my arm on this counter right here! (MAUDE pantomimes the accident during this line.)
NORA: So that’s what happened!
MAUDE: That pest just won’t take “no” for an answer! He’s brung the same pelts in here for the past three months and I’ve told him I wasn’t intristed’ in them for the past three months!
NORA: Maybe he is just using the furs as an excuse to see you, if you know what I mean…
MAUDE: Oh, I know what you mean all right, just like I know what ol’ Muskrat Sam Winchester is up to. But he’s barkin’ up the wrong tree! I’m a widow and I aim to keep it that way, far as he’s concerned!
NORA: How long did the doctor say it would take your arm to heal?
MAUDE: Six weeks! Six weeks of pain and suffrin’ all on account of that mangy, no-good polecat SAM WINCHESTER!
SAM: Somebody call my name?
MAUDE: You! What in tarnation are you doin’ comin’ in here after what you done! Nora, fetch me my shotgun!
SAM: Now hold on there, Maudie! Give me a chance to tell you what I got on my mind!
MAUDE: If’n I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times my name is Maude, not Maudie! Nora! Where is that shotgun? I got me a varmint to shoot!
NORA: Wait, Maude. At least give the poor man a chance …
MAYDE: I already gave him a chance and look where it got me! Crippled, that’s what? Now please go fetch me that shotgun!
SAM: Oh, go ahead and get it Miss Nora. She can’t shoot it anyway with that arm in a sling. But at least it will be a lot quieter in here!
MAUDE: We’ll see about that! Never mind Nora, I’ll fetch it myself! (MAUDE exits to back room.)
SAM: (Sitting at table and propping feet on table top.) So, how’s things with you, Miss Larabee? You helpin’ Maudie out til’ she gets mended?
NORA: That’s right Sam. But you had better get while the getting’s good! Maude is pretty mad at you right now!
MAUDE: (Entering.) Got it! Now to do some mangy pest removal!
NORA: Maude! Please be careful with that thing!
SAM: Don’t worry Miss Larrabee. She can’t shoot that thing with only one arm!
MAUDE: (Resting shotgun on the counter and taking aim.) There’s more than one way to shoot a coyote!
SAM: (Jumping up from seat.) Now, hold on there, Maudie! Don’t get your gumption up! I’m leavin’!
MAUDE: I’m countin’ to ten. One, three, six…TEN! (She pulls trigger. There is a loud click.) Blast and tarnation! Forgot to load the durn thing! Now, where’s them shells? (MAUDE exits to back room.)
NORA: Now’s your chance! Leave while you still can!
SAM: Well, all right, but I’ll be back! Muskrat Sam Winchester don’t give up that easily, nosiree bob!