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"Border Bandits"

By John Burkhart

Some Excerpts:

DASTARDLY: They were all tellin' me about how good young Dynamite is with a six-shooter. It's gettin' a little far-feched, if'n you ask me.

LIBBY: Well, he is awful good. I heard that one time he was sittin' in this here bar. I was out sick, so I didn't get to see it, but folks who were here told me all about it. Seem's there was this pesky fly a buzzing around and Donny got tired of it. So he drew his sixgun and drilled that fly in mid air, put his gun back in his holster and asked for another drink, just like nothing has ever happened. Bullet hole's still over there.

ALL BUT DASTARDLY: He's faaaast!

DASTARDLY: Hold on! Hold on, now! That's enough! That's all I want to hear about that two bit kid. I don't care how good with a gun he is. He better not show up in my county or....

(MARIE and DONNY enter.)

DONNY: Or what. Drygulch?

DASTARDLY: Nothin'! It's nothin'! Never mind. I got to go make my rounds. Just a word of warnin'! Don't let me catch you aver on this side of the border rocks! Got it? Ladies? Preacher? Evenin'. (He exits hastily without turning back on Donny.)

MARIE: Howdy folks. What was Drygulch all hot and bothered about?

TRIXIE: Oh, nothin' much. Care for a drink?

DONNY: Yep, give us two shots...and put em' on my bill. I'll pay up just as soon as we rob..I mean....

LIBBY: You rob your first bank. Shame on you two. Turning to a life of crime just because work is a little hard to find just now. If you weren't full grown, I'd take you both out to the wood shed!

HUGH: While I personally don't think violence is the answer to anything, Libby might be right this time. At the very least, you do need a good talking to.

TRIXIE: Well, I for one am attending church next Sunday. I suggest you two do the same.

LIBBY: You are going to church?

HUGH: That's right, Libby, and it would be good for Marie and Donny to attend too.

MARIE: Hey preacher, do you do weddings?

HUGH: Of course. Weddings are part of the job.

DONNY: How much you charge?

HUGH: For you two, it will be on the house.

DONNY: It's a deal. Next Sunday we'll go to services and afterward, we'll get hitched.

MARIE: Hold on! Just you hold on Mr. Dynamite! If'n you want to marry me, you'd best be proposin'!

DONNY: Proposin'? What's proposin'?

MARIE: Proposin' is askin' a lady to marry you, you big dope. Don't you know nothin'?

DONNY: What fer? All's we been talkin' about for the last two years is marriage...and now kids! Why in tarnation do we need a proposin'?

MARIE: A lady likes to be asked. Formally. On bended knee.

DONNY: (Aside.) What do you folks think? Should I propose? (After a long pause and a few false starts, he gets down on bended knee.) Marie Marie, will you marry me?


(They kiss.)

DONNY: (To audience.) I will never, never understand women. Never. (To Libby.) Well, Libby, that calls for a drink all around. On me.

LIBBY: No, it's on me. You need all the money you don't have for your honeymoon. (She gets bottle from bar and pours shots for everybody.) Besides, we don't get too many reasons to celebrate much around here. (They raise up their glasses in a toast.)

ALL BUT MARIE AND DONNY.) To the bride and groom!

MARIE: To us, darling!

DONNY: To us, honeybunch:

(They kiss again. Fade to black.)

DASTARDLY: (Aside.) Now is my chance to put my clever plan to work. That little lady hasn't got a chance against my natural charm. She'll be putty in my hands in no time! Hey! Is them weddin' bells I hear? (Advancing towards LIBBY.) I think it's high time we got to know each other better...don't you?

LIBBY: (Retreating from DASTARDLY, who cuts her off from the bar and the shotgun.) I know you about as well as I ever hope to. Now, back off!

DASTARDLY: Back off? How on earth are you goin' to find out what a powerful good romancer I am if'n I back off?

LIBBY: If you don't let me be, I'll scream my lungs out!

DASTARDLY: Go ahead and scream...ain't nobody around this time of day. 'Sides, I like the noise when I'm romancin' a female.

(LIBBY screams. DASTARDLY bends her over the bar and is about to kiss her when DONNY and MARIE enter.)

DONNY: Hold on! What in the billy blue blazes is goin' on here?

DASTARDLY: Nothin' you need to worry about, outlaw!

DONNY: Well, you better start worryin', you snake! Draw!

MARIE: Donny! Don't!

DONNY: Hush, Marie. I know what I'm doin'. You goin' to draw, snake?

DASTARDLY: I don't think so. I've heard a lot of stories about how fast you are.

MARIE: And they're all true. You better start your prayers.

DASTARDLY: Well, I ain't about to draw. And you won't shoot a man in the back, so I'll just be goin". See you, suckers. (He turns to leave.)

DONNY: I ain't gonna shoot you, Drygulch.

DASTARDLY: That's good, outlaw.

DONNY: I'm gonna beat you within an inch of your mangy life instead. (He spins DASTARDLY around with one hand and punchs him with the other. Dastardly falls, gets up and runs with DONNY in pursuit.) Come back here, you coward! I'm not done with you yet! (Chase ends with DONNY sitting on top of DASTARDLY in the bar area.) Now, you get...and don't ever come back, if you know what's good for you!

MARIE: (Rushing into DONNY'S arms.) Oh. Donny! I was never so scared in all my life! What if he had drawn on you?

DONNY: Aw shucks, honeybunny. I knew he wouldn't. He's nothin' but a coward. His kind don't never draw.

MARIE: Well, don't you ever do that again, mister! I need you alive, not dead.