Melodrama

"A Blunderhaven Christmas"

by John Burkhart

Excerpts: BETTY: Will there be anything else, Madame? BERTHA: I can’t think of anything at the present. You’re excused. (DORKUS enters unseen by others, carrying a large Christmas present.) BETTY: Yes Madame. (She spies DORKUS sneaking up behind BERTHA.) BERTHA: Well, what are you waiting for? Get to work! BETTY: Yes Madame. DORKUS: (Tapping BERTHA on the shoulder) Boo! BERTHA: (Loud scream.) Maximus Dorkus, you devil! You scared me half to death, sneaking up on me like that! I didn’t hear the doorbell! DORKUS: That’s because I didn’t ring it. I wanted to surprise you. Just my nature, I suppose. How are you, my dear? BERTHA: I’m still shaking, you scoundrel! DORKUS: Well, I’m sure you will forgive me after you’ve opened the lavish Christmas present I’ve brought you, my darling. (He hands the present to BERTHA, then crosses to BETTY.) And who is THIS ravishing creature? (He attempts to kiss her hand, but she pushes her feather duster into his face.) BERTHA: Darling, this is our new maid Betty Bloodhound. Miss Bloodhound, In case you haven’t guessed, this is my fiancé, Mr. D. Maximus Dorkus. BETTY: The pleasure is not mine. I’ll just be leaving now, Madam, unless you wish for me to remove the trash... BERTHA: Trash? I don’t see any trash. BETTY: Evidently not. May I be excused then, Madame? BERTHA: You are excused, Miss Bloodhound. (BETTY exits while BERTHA rings a bell for the butler.) BERTHA: (Loudly, very unladylike.) Percival! (She rings bell again ,much louder.) Percival! (PERCIVAL enters right behind BERTHA.) PERCIVAL: Yes Madam. BERTHA: (Startled) OOHHH! If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times! Stop sneaking up on me like that! PERCIVAL: My apologies Madam.

BERTHA: Oh Maxie, I’m so lucky to have you as a fiancé! You’re so brilliant, so intelligent, so bold, so handsome, so... DORKUS: I know…. But enough about me. Let’s have a seat on the couch. (They both sit down on the couch, DORCUS first.) BERTHA: Oh goodie, you want to cuddle! DORKUS: Good heavens NO! I mean, not quite yet, my dear. First, I wish to discuss something with you. BERTHA: Cuddle first, talk later. DORKUS: But what I wish to talk about is very important, my dear. BERTHA: More important than cuddling? DORKUS: Yes. It concerns our future. BERTHA: Future? Oh! You mean my Christmas present! So, what’s in the present? May I open it now? DORKUS: Not until Christmas day, my dear. That’s the rule. (He very quickly removes the present from BERTHA and places it under the tree, crossing to couch and resuming seat.) Now, as I said, we have important matters to discuss. BERTHA: Can you give me a little teensie, weensie hint about the present? DORKUS: Well, let me think about it…..NO! BERTHA: You’re so mean! DORKUS: (Aside.) She doesn’t know the half of it! (To BERTHA.) It’s supposed to be a surprise, my darling, and giving you hints would spoil it. That’s not being mean, just being my usual thoughtful, kind, considerate self. BERTHA: I guess you’re right as usual, dear… So what did you want to talk about? DORCUS: Our betrothal. BERTHA: I don’t know what that means, but what I’d really like to talk about our upcoming marriage. DORCUS: Isn’t that what I just said? BERTHA: I don’t think so. It sounded like beet soup. DORCUS: Never mind. Anyway, the reason I asked you to sit here is because I do wish to discuss our upcoming nuptials. BERTHA: Nuptials? I thought we were getting married.
BETTY: Well, now that everybody is occupied elsewhere, I think I’ll just take a look around to make sure there are no dangerous objects that could cause a fatal accident. (She wanders around the room and is the process of inspecting a desk when DORKUS and BERTHA enter. Dorkus sneaks up behind BETTY.) DORKUS: BOO! BETTY: (No reaction to the “BOO” whatsoever.) Oh. Eeek. You really frightened me, DORK! DORKUS: The name is Dorkus. Mister D. Maximus Dorkus to you, servant! BETTY: Well, you will always be plain old Dork to me. BERTHA: Be careful how you address your superiors, young lady! BETTY: Sorry. I thought I was being careful. Did I mispronounce “Dork”? BERTHA: You did. It’s Dorkus, and you had better get it right if you wish to remain employed here. DORKUS: You know, I’m not used to being insulted by a mere servant. I demand an apology at once. BETTY: You’re right. I apologize for calling you “Dork” From now on, it’s Mister “Dork”. BERTHA: That’s not an apology! BETTY: Well, I didn’t appreciate him attempting to frighten me. And that’s why I called him a dork. BERTHA: Very well, I’m going to give you one more chance. Apologize to Mister Dorkus properly, or suffer the consequences. BETTY: Not in this lifetime. BERTHA: Very well. You leave me no choice but to report this matter to my brother with a recommendation that you be dismissed…..Boris? Oh Boris. (BERTHA exits calling out for BORIS.) DORKUS: Well, well. We seem to be all alone, don’t we? BETTY: Well, if you will excuse me, I have a lot of work to do. (She attempts to leave, but DORCUS blocks her retreat.) DORCUS: Wait for a minute. I just want to have a little chat with you. I find you very attractive, you know. BETTY: (Sweetly.) That’s nice. And I find you very repulsive….DORK: (She attempts to leave by another door, but DORKUS intercepts her and blocks her retreat again.) DORKUS: For the last time my name is Mister Dorkus. D…..Maximus….Dorkus. BETTY: Well, you’ll always be Dork to me.