Some Excerpts:
SMASH: PEMBERTON! (working the crowd, assuming the boo's aren't for him) Yes, yes that's RIGHT! BOO Pemberton for all you're worth! Oh, I see! It's ME, isn't it? It's always ME! I've barely said a WORD and yet IMMEDIATELY you dislike me and take his side and wish me ill! (here we see a cloyingly pathetic Smash working the crowd like a suffering heroine) How unfair! How tragic! Poor Smash, picked on and bullied yet again! (he snaps out of it and reverts to his true self) You're not buying this for a minute are you? Fine, then we'll just move along. PEMBERTON! Oh this all YOUR fault Pemberton! You've haunted my dreams and ruined my life for oh these many years but NO MORE! THIS is the final outrage! Now Pemberton, I've nothing left to lose and YOU are going to pay for the insults and injuries I've suffered because of YOUR...
MYRTLE (interrupting meekly, stepping in spot from steps SL) Mr. Snarkley? Mr. Snarkley sir?
SMASH Miss Filibuster? Why are you interrupting my oration? Can't you see I was holding forth and expounding?
MYRTLE No sir, I'm sorry sir. I thought you were just rambling aimlessly about nothing.
SMASH It's a fine line, Myrtle. There is very fine line between expounding and rambling aimlessly about nothing.
MYRTLE What would a Presidential campaign speech be?
SMASH A waste of time, mainly. What is it you want?
MYRTLE (sadly) I've finished packing up your office, sir.
SMASH (defiantly) Very well. I shall take my leaving at my own pace and time, Miss Filibuster. My own pace and time.
MYRTLE They said if you weren't gone in five minutes they'd send up security.
SMASH The big and mean security or the tiny and timid security?
MYRTLE Big and mean.
SMASH I thought so. Off you go then, Miss Filibuster, bring my bags and boxes and I'll meet you at the curb.
MYRTLE Yes sir. By the curb. Kicked to the curb like useless unwanted rotten old garbage! (wailing) Oh Mr. Snarkley it isn't FAIR! (boo-hoo'ing she exits down the stairs and off)
SMASH (calling after her) You couldn't just say "OK, meet you by the curb!" You HAD to throw in the garbage thing? But she's right! The Slapmaster Ping Pong Paddle Company HAS treated me like garbage! Wasted my talents, besmirched my name, and tossed me to the curb! There will be a reckoning there I promise you, but first, first......the little matter of Mr. Paul Pemberton must be dealt with. Oh Pemberton, I know where you are and I'm coming to see you! And when I do....when I do (evil laugh) I suggest you hide, Pemberton. Hide and never show your face in the light of day! FEAR ME PEMBERTON! THE DAY OF RETRIBUTION IS AT HAND! (laughing wildly he exits out down the steps and the lights come back up on Paul....) POLLY That was an awful lot of food Holly, it practically filled up your freezer. How are you ever going to eat all that?
HOLLY Well Polly, Rex will be back soon and he eats like a man who's been lost in a jungle for 2 months.
POLLY Where is Rex anyway?
HOLLY He's lost in a jungle. South America. Central America. Somewhere down there.
POLLY Oh Holly, he isn't LOST. He's working. You should be very proud, after all you're engaged to (as a radio announcer) "Rex Rampart, America's Birdman!" He's got his own radio show and everything!
HOLLY I know, I know. It's just difficult sometimes.
POLLY I'm sure it is! I don't know how you manage with Rex so far away in exotic lands all the time. It's so dangerous too, chasing birds through jungles and swamps and mountains, constantly risking his life in the name of science.
HOLLY Well Polly, that's the life of a woman in love with an ornithologist, a man who studies birds and all their habits.
POLLY I know Holly. But how did you fall in love with him in the first place?
HOLLY (snapping) Because I SWEAR I thought he said orthodontist! I expected to be sitting in my tri level ultra modern maid equipped suburban house taking care of my 2 kids and 1 dog NOT sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring so that I could pretend to be excited over the sighting of a tri colored tufted parakeet in Paraguay!
POLLY So, you didn't know that Rex...
HOLLY Ornithologist....orthodontist....it wasn't like I listening THAT close...
POLLY (trying to smooth things over) Well things get mixed up...
HOLLY It was a FIRST date for crying out loud! Who LISTENS on a first date?
POLLY Well sure of course not....so, when did you finally find out?
HOLLY Not until Valentine's Day. He gave me a parrot for Valentines Day, and I began to have my suspicions.
POLLY Um, parrots do make a nice gift. I guess....
HOLLY (dryly) Oh yeah. It's a gift that keeps on giving.
POLLY Lots of men just completely FORGET Valentines Day you know, so at least you have that.
HOLLY And I'll bet nobody ever offered to name a new sub-species of Bolivian buzzards in YOUR honor did they?
POLLY No, I can't say that they....well I'm sure he meant well...
