Some Excerpts:
BARTHOLOMEW: (dashing toward Antoinette, but stopping short) PROFESSOR ANTONYM!
ANTOINETTE: (dashing toward Bartholomew, but stopping short) ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR CRATERDIGGER!
BARTHOLOMEW: I….(stops, eyes glazed with adoration)
ANTOINETTE: I….HOW ARE YOU ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR CRATERDIGGER?
BARTHOLOMEW: I WASN'T THROWING UP!
ANTOINETTE: EXCUSE ME?
BARTHOLOMEW: I MEAN I ALMOST DID BUT (aside) GOSH! WHAT A TERRIFIC START! THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD, THE ONE THAT I LOVE MORE THAN ANY OTHER, THE ONE THAT I MISSED ALL SUMMER LONG AND THE FIRST THING I SAY TO HER IS THAT I WASN'T THROWING UP? WELL, MAYBE SHE DIDN'T HEAR ME.. (aside ends) I'M FINE I'M FINE.
ANTOINETTE: IS YOUR STOMACH UPSET?
BARTHOLOMEW: DRAT!!
ANTOINETTE: YOU DIDN'T TRY ONE OF THOSE BACON SURPRISE BREAKFAST BARS IN THE FACULTY LOUNGE DID YOU? I THINK THOSE WERE LEFT OVER FROM LAST YEAR AND THAT WOULD PROBABLY MAKE YOU QUEASY.
BARTHOLOMEW: NO, NO IT ISN'T THAT..I JUST...I JUST... (aside) I JUST FALL TO PIECES WHENEVER I'M IN HER PRESENCE, THAT'S ALL! BUT HOW DO I TELL HER THAT? HOW DO I TELL HER THAT I THINK SHE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, THE KINDEST, SMARTEST MOST CARING WOMAN I'VE EVER KNOWN? HOW DO I TELL HER THAT, AS UNWORTHY OF HER AS I AM, MY ONLY WISH IS THAT SHE COULD COME TO CARE FOR ME AS MUCH AS I DO HER? (pause, then wryly) I SUPPOSE I BETTER CLEAR UP THIS STOMACH THING FIRST..(aside ends) I JUST HAD A SMALL BITE OF ONE, I GUESS.
ANTOINETTE: WELL, THEY DID SORT OF LOOK APPETIZING....
BARTH: THEY SURE DID!
ANTOINETTE: IF YOU LIKE GREEN BACON.
BARTH: IT'S THE WAY MY MOM ALWAYS MADE IT.
ANTOINETTE: HOW VERY, UM, INTERESTING (aside) OH DEAR! I DON'T THINK THAT'S TRUE AT ALL! I THINK THE TRUTH OF IT IS THAT I MAKE ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR CRATERDIGGER TERRIBLY NERVOUS. HE HAS NO IDEA THAT I THINK HE'S THE MOST HANDSOME, THE KINDEST, SMARTEST MOST CARING MAN I'VE EVER KNOWN! SHOULD I TELL HIM HOW MY HEART BEATS FASTER WHEN I SEE HIM? (considering Bartholomew) MAYBE I SHOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING RIGHT NOW HE'S JUST GETTING OVER THE BACON BREAKFAST BARS...(starts back toward Bart, stops, and addresses audience as aside ends with) MEN!!
BARTH: WELL, SHE DIDN'T ALWAYS MAKE IT GREEN!
ANTOINETTE: REALLY?
BARTH: NO, SOMETIMES IT WAS MORE OF A CHARCOAL COLOR.
ANTOINETTE: WELL THAT'S INTERESTING TOO.., I SUPPOSE...
BARTH: WE REALLY DIDN'T HAVE BACON THAT OFTEN.
ANTOINETTE: I THINK I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY.
BARTH: YES, WELL... (aside) BACON! NOW I'M TALKING ABOUT BACON! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? OH CRATERDIGGER YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT! (pause) BUT I BET A LOT OF YOU FELLA'S OUT THERE UNDERSTAND HOW STUFF LIKE THIS HAPPENS…(aside ends) BUT I'M FINE NOW, TRULY, I AM.
ANTOINETTE: I'M CERTAINLY GLAD TO HEAR THAT I DON'T LIKE TO THINK OF YOU IN ANY SORT OF DISTRESS (as she moves closer to Bartholomew)
BARTH: THAT'S SO KIND OF YOU..TO BE KIND TO ME..(as he moves closer to Antoinette)
ANTOINETTE: THAT'S KIND OF YOU TO SAY..(as they unconsciously take each others hands)
DEAN: I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW HAPPY I AM THAT WE'VE CLEARED UP WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN A TERRIBLE.. (the DEAN is interrupted by SPARKY)
SPARKY (o/s): WATERTABLE!!! WATERTABLE!!! WATERTABLE STATE!!!! NO OTHER SCHOOL IS HALF AS GREAT!!!! NOW GO! (clapclapclap) GO! (clapclapclap) GO! (clapclapclap) (bounding through door SR) GOHHHH!!!!! … (all in cheerleader speak to a disgusted DEAN and bemused OLGA) HELLO DEAN!! HELLO LADY OF CLEAN!! I'M SPARKY, SPARKY SPARKSON CHEERLEADER FOR THE TEAM!!!
OLGA: JUST FULLA LIFE, AIN'T SHE?
DEAN: FOR NOW..
SPARKY: EXCUSE ME DEAN?
DEAN: NOTHING, DEAR SPARKSON, WHY NOTHING AT ALL. I WAS MERELY MUSING ALOUD AS TO WHAT GOOD FORTUNE HAS SMILED ON US THAT BRINGS YOUR PERSONAE HITHER TO MY DOOR?
SPARKY: EXCUSE ME DEAN?
DEAN: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, SPARKSON?
SPARKY: OH, WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST ASK, OH SUPREME DEAN, SUPREME DEAN, (slipping into "cheerleader mode") SUPREME DEAN, YOU KNOW WHO I MEAN, THE MAN WHO'S KEEN, THE ONE AND ONLY DEAN DEAN MEAN!!!! YAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!
OLGA: IS THERE A KEY THAT WINDS YOU UP SPARKY, OR HAVE YOU BEEN CHEWING COFFEE BEANS AGAIN?
SPARKY: I'M JUST NATURALLY SPUNKY, MISS CARBUNCLE. MY WHOLE FAMILY IS NATURALLY SPUNKY. THE SPUNKY SPARKSON'S OF SCHNECDATY IS WHAT THEY CALL US BACK HOME.
DEAN: AMONG OTHER THINGS, I'M SURE.
SPARKY: NO, IT'S JUST MOSTLY THAT. AND YOU CAN'T SAY THE SPUNKY SPARKSONS OF SCHNECDATY ABOUT A LOT OF FOLKS.
OLGA: I DON'T THINK I COULD SAY THE SPUNKY SPARKSONS OF SCHNECDATY ON A BET.. HEY!! HOW 'BOUT THAT DEAN!! I CAN SAY IT!!
DEAN: YOU'RE A WOMAN OF MYSTIFYING TALENT MISS CARBUNCLE. NOW, SPARKSON, ONCE AGAIN, WHY ARE YOU HERE? I'M EXPECTING PROFESSOR ANTONYM HERE AT ANY MOMENT, SO PLEASE JUST GET TO THE POINT OF YOUR VISIT.
SPARKY: WHY, DEAN MEAN, I'M SURPRISED YOU DON'T REMEMBER! IT'S OPENING DAY FOR THE WATERTABLE STATE COLLEGE SCHOOL OF UNAPPLIED SCIENCE'S BATTLIN' CRAPPIES!!! WE NEED YOU FOR THE OPENING COIN TOSS!!
