 Scripts For Sale "Design For Disaster" By Fred Gartner Excerpts:
SMERT: Uh, excuse me ladies, but I couldn't help but wonder.. KAY: Oh. It's a Super Bowl bet. I won! SMERT: Wasn't the Super Bowl last... KAY: Next year's Super Bowl. SMERT: Oh. Well. Then I understand. Ms. Arkay, I'm delighted to meet you, may I present my brother, Skip Corduroy. KAY: It's very nice to meet you, this is my Executive Designer, Cocoa Ferragamo, and this is my Executive Assistant and Apprentice Designer... SKIP: (before Kay can finish, he moves to Hyacinth) Hi. HY: That's RIGHT! But most people just call me Cynthee! (aside) IT'S AMAZING! How did he know that? It's like he can see right into my SOUL! SKIP: (confused by HY:) What? KAY: Hyacinth Smith. But we call her Cynthee or Hy. SKIP: Oh. (to Hyacinth) Well, "Hi" OH! I get it! You thought that I...Oh I see! SMERT: Well I don't. I'm very confused. COCOA: So you're in a comfort zone then? KAY: (stopping Cocoa) Mr. Corduroy, I was given to understand that it was a group of three investors. SMERT: Oh yes indeed, Ed is parking the car and then he'll be right up. KAY: Well, good. We certainly don't want to take any more of your time than is necessary. We'll try to get you back on your way as soon as possible. SKIP: Didn't you say we were staying until the bitter end, Smert? HY: Oh good! The bitter end takes a long time. SMERT: No, no, Skip, I said we'd stay until the better end. When things got better. That's what I said. KAY: I hadn't planned on you staying much past lunch time and... (At this the door opens and Ed enters...he and Cocoa immediately spy each other and once again Time Stands Still....all else stops as Ed and Cocoa eye each other and then...) COCOA: Zing went the strings of my heart. ED: Hot cha cha! (As Ed and Cocoa advance toward each other, Skip and Hyacinth move closer together and are obviously entranced with each other...Smert and Kay observe this for a bit and then..) SMERT: I think I'd like to talk to you about your company policy regarding dating in the office. KAY: I'm revising it now. SMERT: Excellent. So do you feel like any kind of spark between...(indicating him and Kay) KAY: No. No none at all. You? SMERT: Huh uh. Nope. What is it they say about brown shoes in a closet full of tuxedoes? KAY: Not a match. SMERT: No. Not at all. (aside) Although THAT may have to change. If it takes turning on all the Smert charm and dazzle to get what I want, then I'll do it. No woman can resist Smert Corduroy and Ms. Kay Arkay will be no exception. (Attention shifts to Ed and Cocoa.) COCOA: I'm Cocoa. ED: Then I'm a marshmallow!
SKIP: Hello again.
HY: Hi. (giggles) It's like we have our own private joke already. Hey, you wouldn't want to loan me a nickel would you? No questions asked? SKIP: Well sure... HY: Well c'mon then! There's a snickers bar with my name on it down the hall. SKIP: (as they exit) Wow! That's pretty cool. A snickers bar with your own name on it! You were right Smert, things ARE different in the Big City! KAY: Mr. Corduroy, just how long ARE you planning on being here? SMERT: Oh please, call me Smert...well, I'm thinking that we'll be here.. ED: (breaking off abruptly from Cocoa) Hey Smert! I done what you said.. SMERT: Excellent Ed, well there's a first time for everything then. ED: Yep, I parked the car right in the spot that says "Reserved for Kay Arkay" SMERT: Oh. Ed, I don't think.. ED: Boy you're right Smert, if the woman is too lazy to even get to work on time then, SMERT: I don't remember saying.. ED: We'll be running this show in NO time. That was good thinkin' Smert, show her who's boss right off the bat like that. SMERT: Ed.. ED: Yessiree just like you said, we'll take this place like Grant took Richmond.. SMERT: Ed.. ED: Like ol' Sitting Bull whipped General Custer. SMERT: Oh Ed... ED: Boy she's NEVER gonna know what hit her when the Corduroy Boys get through! SMERT: Ed, may I present Ms. Kay Arkay. (There is a pause....) ED: Didja' know somebody is parked in your parking space? KAY: I had a feeling that somebody just might be, yes. ED: (trying to beat a hasty exit) I'll go throw 'em out. KAY: Thank you, but that won't be necessary. I walk to work. I'm trying to be environmentally conscious. ED: Hey, that's pretty good! He's (indicating Smert) just trying to be conscious. SMERT: Ed, I think maybe you've helped enough here. ED: You want I should go back and talk to that lady? COCOA: I'm pretty sure he does! SMERT: NO! Just stay right here where I can watch you. And be QUIET. KAY: Now, Mr. Corduroy.. SMERT: Ah ah ah.. Smert. KAY: Alright then, Smert, how long do you think... SMERT: And may I call you Kay, Kay? ED: Why would you want to call her Kay Kay? SMERT: I don't want to call her Kay Kay. ED: You just asked her if you could. That seems kind of cutesy to me. SMERT: I just asked Kay if was OK to call her Kay, Okay? ED: I thought it was Kay Arkay. KAY: (to Cocoa) Are you sure you're attracted to him, or did you just forget your medicine? SMERT: Ed, if you didn't already HAVE a steel plate in your head, I swear I'd put one in there now! KAY: Smert, Smert, yes, it's fine, you can call me KAY! SMERT: Well good then, Kay it is. (Both Kay and Smert look at Ed, as if waiting for approval....) ED: Fine by me. |