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"The Easterner"

by D. Chapelle

An Excerpt:

HAROLD: So, what happened to the bartender?
BRANDI: The bartender is … well, he got beat up last night.
HAROLD: Mooselips beat up his own bartender?
BRANDI: Naw, it was the schoolteacher.
HAROLD: The schoolteacher!?
BRANDI: Yeah, yeah, she was having a rough day.
HAROLD: The school teacher is a girl? And she beat up the bartender?
BRANDI: If’n she hears you callin’ her a girl you’ll be next. She prefers to be called a woman.
HAROLD: Why did the schoolmarm beat up the bartender?
BRANDI: Yeah, she asked for a half full glass of water and the bartender gave her a half empty glass.
HAROLD: This is a really rough town.
BRANDI: You got no idea.
HAROLD: So, Mooselips character? Why do you call him … Mooselips?
BRANDI: Yeah, well, folks started callin’ him Moosebreath, on account of his breath smellin’ like a wet Moose. He starting beatin’ folks senseless whenever they called him Moosebreath and it got changed to Mooselips. (She sighs.) Boy, you sure are a good listener.
HAROLD: Yeah, well, you haven’t really given me much of a chance to do anything else.
BRANDI: Hey, why don’t you pull up a chair, rest a bit and then have a talk with our fortune teller, Carmelita. She should be in any time now.
HAROLD: You have a fortune teller?
BRANDI: Yep. Mooselips thought a fortune teller would class the place up. (She looks around the room.) He was wrong.
HAROLD: Sorry, I don’t believe in fortune tellers.
BRANDI: Don’t worry, she don’t believe in fortune tellers either.
HAROLD: Then why … I’ve got to get out of here.
(Millie enters.)
BRANDI: That’s what I’ve been telling myself for a ... (Distracted by the appearance of Millie.) Oh, great.
MILLIE: (Calling out to someone in the street.) Pa, you just wait right there I won’t be a minute.
BRANDI: Have a seat stranger. I’ll be right back. (She pushes Harold into a chair and crosses to Millie at the door.)
HAROLD: (He sees Millie at the door.) Holy moly! That … that must be the most beautiful girl in the world. Golly!