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Scripts For Sale

"She Wouldn't Harm a Fly"

by John Burkhart

Some Excerpts:

BARTON:  That’s good to know.  But how did I manage to obtain all of these railroads? Isn’t there an antitrust law in effect that prevents any one company from obtaining a monopoly and controlling freight rates eventually inflating fuel costs?

TIZZY:  There is an antitrust law, and to comply with it we’ve started selling off most of your railroads including the Elkhorn Valley Railroad, which we are travelling on today.

BARTON:  I didn’t know that.

TIZZY:  As your business manager, I felt it was important to sell these businesses, but I didn’t wish to bother you with the details.

BARTON:  And you do such a nice job, too. You know, it was really nice of the Elkhorn Valley Railroad to give us free tickets to Fremont. It will be nice to see all of those cute little orphans smile after we make that big contribution to their hospital there.

TIZZY:  It’s always nice to donate money to benefit widows and orphans, isn’t it? And we seem to be making charitable donations all of the time lately, since you’ve decided to dedicate your life to doing good works.

BARTON:   And what’s even more interesting, I have absolutely no recollection of what I did before the accident. Do you think I’ll ever be my old self again?

TIZZY:  No, thank goodness!

BARTON:  What?

TIZZY:  I mean, thank goodness the doctors seem to think you’ll never recover…I mean, never recover your full memory! But rest assured, everyone who knew you before the accident are all very grateful that you are such a very nice person.

(DOROTHY enters from front of the dining car.)

DOROTHY:  Excuse me, but do you happen to know if this is the dining car? I’ve been to all of the cars in the front of the train and can’t seem to locate the dining car. I’ve managed to find the locomotive, the baggage car, six sleeping cars, four coaches, but no dining car!  Have either of you seen it?

TIZZY:  This is it, my dear. And you are?

DOROTHY:  Hungry! That is why I was looking for the dining car.

BARTON:  I believe my wife was asking you for your name as a means of introduction. We are the Balderdashes. I’m Barton and this is my wife Tizzy.

DOROTHY:  Oh! I’m so sorry! I thought you were asking me why I was looking for the dining car and I said I was hungry instead of telling you what my name was! I bet you thought I was being a smarty pants, but really I wasn’t! I…

TIZZY:  We understand, my dear. Now, what’s your name?

DOROTHY:  Uh… Dorothy Devine. I am very pleased to meet you. I’m travelling to Fremont to visit my grandmother, who is gravely ill. Now, if you will excuse me, I’m famished!

TIZZY:  Why not join us for lunch, my dear?

BARTON:  By all means! I’m sure we would enjoy the company of such a vibrant young lady.

DOROTHY:  (Aside.) They wouldn’t be happy at all if they knew that I am really an escaped convict planning to steal all of their wealth! But then, who would suspect that sweet innocent Dorothy Devine is really arch-criminal Dementia Dismal! I mean, just look at me! Why Dorothy Devine wouldn’t harm a fly!

(MARCIE enters from front of dining car.)

MARCIE:  Excuse me, but this IS the dining car, eh? I’m so hungry I could eat a moose, y’know?

TIZZY:  You are correct, this is the dining car. And you are?

MARCIE:  Hungry! Which is what I’m doin’ in the dining car, eh?

BARTON:  She meant what is your name by means of an introduction. We are the Balderdashes, I’m Barton and this is my wife Tizzy. And this young lady is Dorothy Devine.

DOROTHY:  And you are?

MARCIE:  Oh! I get it! You’re a asking me fer me name! Well, it’s Marcie. Marcie Moonglow of the royal Canadian Mounties. I’m stationed at the Moose Droppings, Saskatchewan region, eh? (She proceeds to shake everybody’s hand vigorously.)

TIZZY:  Pleased to meet you, Marcie.

BARTON:  What brings a Mountie to visit Nebraska? Are you on a case?

MARCIE:  Yep, that’s what I be a doin. I’m travlin’ under cover, which means I’m not wearin’ the uniform on this trip! I’m lookin’ fer a villainess of the worst, and I do mean worst, sort. Her name is Dementia Dismal and she’s wanted fer jailbreakin’ in Canada, eh?

TIZZY:  Oh dear! Do you think she might be on this train!

MARCIE:  Well, she was last seen in Hooper. She’s supposedly headed fer Fremont so she could be anywheres, eh?

DOROTHY:  Oh my! A criminal! How exciting! I’ve never actually met a real criminal before. Do you suppose you could introduce us after you capture her? Do you have a picture of her?

MARCIE:  Just a description. Seems that she looks so young and innocent, she wouldn’t harm a fly. Kinda like you, Miss.

DOROTHY:  I’m sure that description matches several young ladies on this train. As a matter of fact, I noticed several innocent looking young ladies when I was looking for this dining car. Back in that direction. I haven’t been to the rest of the train in that direction, you know….

BARTON:  Speaking of dining, I’m famished. Let’s have lunch!