Scripts For Sale
"Foul Works at the Fireworks Factory"
by D. Chapelle
WANDA: Where was I ... Ah, here we are. Have more than one wonderful piece of news to give you on my return. Stop. See you all soon. Stop.
HAPPY: What do you think the big news might be?
WANDA: You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure that out.
HAPPY: Well I am a rocket scientist and I don’t get it.
WANDA: While he's been away he's realized how much he loves me, and now he's coming home to ask me to be his wife.
HAPPY: How do you figure that?
WANDA: By reading between the lines of his telegram.
HAPPY: Is this another one of those special telegram things?
WANDA: Oh, Happy, stop.
HAPPY: We already covered that.
(The front door bell sounds.)
WANDA: Saved by the bell.
(She goes to answer the bell.)
HAPPY: You know you might find somebody who loves you even more than you think Fenton loves you. (To himself.) Even if he did love you, which he don't, he couldn't love you near as much as I love you. And you got no idea what I'm sayin' cause I'm talkin' to myself again, and don' that just don't help at all.
(Osgood Lissard sweeps into the room with his black briefcase, wearing black from head to toe. Closely behind him is Natasha DeClasse. Osgood is an evil business tycoon from the East; with smooth Eastern manners. Natasha, his personal assistant, is a fancy lady looking out for her own interests. They are, both of them, evil to the bone.)
OSGOOD: What a lovely little home.
NATASHA: Rather reminds me of your summer cottage, Osgood.
OSGOOD: Only smaller.
(They both laugh at their little joke.)
HAPPY: Miss Wanda, who are these folks?
WANDA: This is Mr. Osgood Lizard ...
OSGOOD: That’s pronounced, Lis-sard.
WANDA: (Hissing.) Ssso good of you to point that out, Mr. Liss-ssard. They’re here to discuss business with Fenton.
HAPPY: I ain't so sure we want the kind of business they might give us.
(Natasha clears her throat.)
WANDA: And this is Miss Natasha DeClasse. Mr. Liss-ssard's ... friend.