Some Excerpts:

TILLIE. Golly. I guess they are up to no good, and no good in a big way.

PHANTOM. You need not worry, Tillie!

TILLIE. What! I wish you'd stop sneaking up on me!

PHANTOM. Sorry, Miss Webbshuttle, but stealth is a useful tool when you are fighting the forces of evil.

TILLIE. And I suppose that's why you're dressed in black from head to toe.

PHANTOM. It's more of a fashion statement.

TILLIE. You should ask more questions before you make a statement like that. But, you do seem to be right about the Darkgroves.

PHANTOM. The Darkgroves have lied to the honest, and cheated the weak. But, with your help and trust, I shall put an end to their vile trickery.

TILLIE. Trust you? How can I trust you if I've never seen your face and don't even know your name?

PHANTOM. I am know as ... The Phantom.

TILLIE. Is that a first, or a last name?

PHANTOM. It is a name that strikes fear into the hearts of villains everywhere!

TILLIE. Ohh, that sounds like fun. But aren't good guys supposed to wear white?

PHANTOM. I wear black to hide in the shadows. Then, when the scoundrels least suspect, I strike from the shadows.

TILLIE. If working from the shadows is so important, why not call yourself, The Shadow?

PHANTOM. (Meekly.) The name was already taken.

TILLIE. I don't mean to criticize, but isn't the name Phantom also taken?

PHANTOM. Is it?

TILLIE. I'm almost sure it is.

PHANTOM. Darn! Being a crime fighter has all sorts of problems you'd never expect.

DOTTIE. (o.s.) Aykroyd if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times to put my stockings in the drawer toes down! (The Phantom hears the voices and escapes when Tillie turns her head to the sound.)

AYKROYD. (o.s.) Yes dear.

TILLIE. What do you ... Phantom? Boy, you know the name Phantom really suits him.

DOTTIE. (Entering with Aykroyd.) Tillie, has my son, Dexter arrived yet? TILLIE. No Ma'am.

AYKROYD. Then who were you just talking to?

TILLIE. Nobody.

DOTTIE. Now Tillie, I don't mean to tell you how to run your poor pathetic life, but talking to oneself is considered to be the first sign of insanity.

AYKROYD. You said the first sign of insanity was talking to me.

DOTTIE. Aykroyd!

AYKROYD. Well, that's what you've always ...

DOTTIE. Aykroyd! (Aykroyd takes another elbow to the midsection.)

AYKROYD. Shutting up now, dear.

---

AYKROYD. Dottie? Dexter? Anybody home? No? Good. I never get a moment of peace married to that woman. But where's May? Isn't it just my luck to find a girl who's nice to me and now I can't find her.

TILLIE. May I help you ...

AYKROYD. Darling! Tillie? Wait a minute, you're not May.

TILLIE. And you sir, are not a gentleman. Unhand me.

AYKROYD. Let's not be hasty, my dear.

TILLIE. Unhand me, or I shall scream.

AYKROYD. Now why would you want to do something like that?

TILLIE. I'm warning you, I shall scream!

AYKROYD. And just who do you suppose would come to your rescue?

TILLIE. I do not think you wish to find out.

PHANTOM. Unhand that girl!

AYKROYD. I can explain this, Dottie, darling.

PHANTOM. It doesn't need explanation, I am not Dottie, and I am certainly not your darling.

AYKROYD. Dottie, has your voice changed again?

PHANTOM. Unhand this lady, or I shall be forced to become violent.

AYKROYD. You do ... you ... you do and I shall become violent ... violently ill.

PHANTOM. Scoundrel!

AYKROYD. Dottie!

PHANTOM. Run away, coward!

TILLIE. Phantom, you saved me!

PHANTOM. Part of the job, Miss Webbshuttle. But, I fear the worst is yet to come. When it does I shall deal with the villains as best I can.

TILLIE. And then what?

PHANTOM. And then I must find others who need my aid as I continue my fight against villains, scoundrels, and evil in general.

TILLIE. Do you suppose you might have time to spend with me?

PHANTOM. I must confess time spent with you would be well spent.

TILLIE. I too have a confession. I know we've only known each other a very short time. And I've never seen your face. And I don't know your real name. And I don't know why you've come here to help me, and Auntie Ernestine. And I don't know ...

PHANTOM. Miss Webbshuttle?

TILLIE. You may call me Tillie if you'd like.

PHANTOM. Tillie, I was just wondering if you were getting to a point here ... somewhere?

TILLIE. I've developed a very deep affection for you ... Phantom.

PHANTOM. Tillie, we must not give into our emotions.

TILLIE. We mustnt?

PHANTOM. We mustn't.

TILLIE. Phooey! (Unknown to either the Phantom and Tillie, Dottie and Dexter have crept into the room. They spy on Tillie, and Phantom.)

PHANTOM. Because we have a job to do, and nothing must distract us from our duty. And ... and as you said, I'm little more than a stranger, Tillie.

TILLIE. There are few things stranger than a grown man in a black mask and cape, but I do know you have a good heart. I can see it in your eyes.

PHANTOM. Back to work.

TILLIE. If we must, we must.

PHANTOM. We must.

TILLIE. Okay! (Tillie exits.)

PHANTOM. That was really close. I just couldn't bear to tell her how much I ... I love her. Ah, but for now ... Now there is a job to be done! (Phantom exits.)

DOTTIE. I knew that snotty little girl couldn't be standing up to us alone.

AYKROYD. This fellow does seem to pose a ...

DOTTIE. Shut up and let me think! Oh, how I wish Father were here. He'd know what to do. Father always knew what to do. He was relentless when it came to business like this. Relentless, cold, vicious, brutal, unforgiving, vindictive ...

AYKROYD. Daddy's little girl.

DOTTIE. I heard that worm!

AYKROYD. Sorry dearest.

DOTTIE. Don't just snivel, help me come up with a plan!