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"Robber's Roost"

By John Burkhart

Some Excerpts:

MA: Church! You robbed a church? 

SAM: Well, yes I did, as a matter of fact. So what? 

MA: A church? You went and robbed a church? 

SAM: Well, it was a small church.. 

MA: That's about as low as it gets, robbing a church! 

SAM: It was just after collection too! Got thirty seven bucks out of the deal! 

MA: Don't you be bringing no more church money around here, you mangy varmit! 

SAM: Money's money. It all spends the same, no matter where it comes from. And just when did you get so particular? 

MA: It's bad luck to rob a church, you blamed idiot! 

SAM: Who said it's bad luck? Sure never heard that before. 

MA: If you haven't already spent it, I'd sure as Cain give it back if I was you! My late husband Hector, he's dead now, used to say "do your eating at the dinner table, your praying at the church and your fighting at the bar". That's what he used to say. 

SAM: So? 

MA: So, you were robbing instead of praying in the church and that is breaking the rules! 

Ramona : You sure don't have much pride Sidewinder, robbing a church. What's next, schools? 

SAM: Schools! Why didn't I think of that! Schools are a sure thing. Those kids and teachers are a bunch of cowardly chickens. And they don't carry no guns either! 

RAMONA: Oh, all right, you can help me rob the train. 

SAM: Say please. 

RAMONA: Don't push your luck, hombre. 

SAM: All right, I'll help you anyway, but I get half the loot! 

RAMONA: When pigs fly upside down and backwards! You get 20 per cent. 

SAM: Forty 

RAMONA: Thirty five. Final offer. (She starts towards the door.) 

SAM: All right, all right. Thirty five. 

RAMONA: And no hanky-panky. Just do as I say and you won't get hurt! 

SAM: What do you want me to do? 

RAMONA: Not much. Just hold the horses while I go through the cars. Come on! We need to get going if we want to catch the train! 

SAM: All right, let's go...but I'll be back to settle up with you, Jones. And that money had better be here, too. 

SLOWPOKE: I'm never hard to find. 

SAM: That's good to hear. I hate to find people that are hard to find when I'm trying to find them. 

SLOWPOKE: I'm never hard to find when somebody is trying to find me because I know hard to find people are usually hard to find, especially when I am looking for hard to find people myself. There's nothing worse than hard to find people when they are hard to find. 

MA: What did you just say? 

SLOWPOKE: I just said my piece. 

MA: I heard it, but what did you mean? 

SLOWPOKE: I forget. Anyway, I'll be here when you two get back 


RAMONA: All we had to eat was corn stalks and there was never enough for all of us, so we took turns. I got to eat on Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. 

MA: How sad for you! 

SLOWPOKE: Ramona, I had no idea! 

RAMONA: We couldn't afford shoes for all of us, so we took turns wearing the three pairs we did have. My days to wear shoes were Wednesdays and Thursdays. Wore the right shoe on Wednesday and the left one on Thursday. 

MA: You ever get to wear both at the same time? 

RAMONA: Every other Sunday. And once a month I got both shoelaces. 

MA: You poor thing! 

RAMONA: We only had a few toys to play with. A broken down doll and a stuffed rat. My days to play with them were Mondays and Saturdays. 

SLOWPOKE: So, what about Friday? 

RAMONA: That was the day I got to go to school. Barefoot. In the snow.