SPAM: Angel?

ANGEL: There’s somebody in the outer office who needs to see you. Says it’s important.

SPAM: They always say that, don’t they? Well, as long as his money is green and printed by Uncle Sam we shouldn’t make judgments. Show him in.

ANGEL: The him is a her, Spam.

SPAM: Really? Well a client is a client. Show the lady in.

ANGEL: Spam, this one is no lady. I … I think she’s bad news.

SPAM: Beggars can’t be choosey, Angel, show her in.

ANGEL: Some clients are more trouble than they’re worth and this one’s one of them.

SPAM: What’s the problem here, Angel?

ANGEL: It’s the look in her eyes, Spam. There’s something wrong behind those eyes. Can’t I just send her to Phil Marlowe or Sammy Spade? Are you sure you know what you’re doing?

SPAM: Why should I start now? Show her in.

ANGEL: Okay. (She starts for the door but stops and turns back.) Just be sure you get cash up front. No checks. No I.O.U.s.

SPAM: Got it.

ANGEL: And check the bills before she leaves. We don’t want to show up at the bank with funny money.

SPAM: Didn’t you used to be more trusting? I seem to remember you being more trusting.

ANGEL: I am. I just don’t trust her. (Angel exits.)

SPAM: This sort of life tends to give you a dark view of people. You meet all sorts and they’re in all sorts of trouble and not one of them will give you a straight answer to a straight question. And even though I’ve met all kinds in this line of work I’ve never met … her kind. (Gidget O’Malley enters and strikes a femme fatale pose.) I could see what Angel meant about her being … trouble. Long dark hair that caught the light even when there wasn’t a lot of light to catch and big brown eyes that caught your attention and wouldn’t let it go.

ANGEL: (Entering.) Spam, this is Miss Gidget O’Malley. She wants to hire us for a case.

GIDGET: Hire us? Are you Mr. Diamond’s … business partner?

SPAM: (Aside.) Her voice was smoother than glass and softer than silk. (To Gidget.) More like my watch dog and conscience.

GIDGET: Are you Mr. Diamond?

SPAM: It depends on who’s asking. Since I don’t remember owing you money then yeah … I’m Diamond. Spam Diamond.

ANGEL: (In full voice.) Da-da-DUM. (All eyes turn toward her.) The piano player is gone for the day.

GIDGET: Could you get us some coffee, dear?

ANGEL: I’m good, you need any coffee, Spam?

SPAM: I never touch the stuff.

GIDGET: I’d like to speak to Mr. Diamond … alone.

ANGEL: And I’d like to be a roller derby girl.

SPAM: Don’t worry about Miss Eiffel. You can trust her like you can trust me.

GIDGET: But can I trust you, Spam?

ANGEL: Lady, if you can’t trust Spam you can’t trust anybody.

GIDGET: I hope so. Before we go any farther I need to ask a question, Mr. Diamond.

SPAM: You can ask but I don’t have to answer.

GIDGET: Is Spam you’re real name?

SPAM: That it is. My mother was a big fan of canned meat. Now, if we’re done playing twenty questions … how can I help you?

SPAM: You learn the how-to’s of being a P.I. from the school of hard-knocks. It’s a great school but the grading policy will kill ya. The first lesson you learn is that nobody lays a hand on your partner without you doing something about it. I was pretty sure nothing in the private-eye code of unwritten laws said anything about saving girlfriends. As far as I knew I was going to be the first one who ever had a girlfriend. And if I was ever going to have one I had to save her first. But before I could do anything trouble came out of the shadows.

GIDGET: (Entering.) Spam … Spam, thank goodness I found you.

SPAM: With you I’m guessing goodness didn’t have a lot to do with it.

GIDGET: Aw, Spam, quit kidding. You’ve got to help me. You … you just have to.

SPAM: As far as I know Miss O’Malley, if that’s your real name and I do have my doubts, the only things I have to do are die and pay taxes and I gotta tell ya … I don’t plan on doing either of them tonight.

GIDGET: I need your help, Spam.

SPAM: I’ve been hearing that a lot lately. Funny thing is … you’re the one I keep hearing it from.

GIDGET: But this time I mean it, Spam. I really, really, really, really need your help.

SPAM: Really?

GIDGET: Really!

SPAM: No sale, sister. You say you want my help but you haven’t told me one true thing since I met you. Even your name is phony.

GIDGET: If your name was Lucille Langhanke would you want that to get around?

SPAM: That’s a good point. Okay, you want me to help you? First you help me. Tell me what you know about Angel.

GIDGET: Well, they’re heavenly creatures, have white fluffy wings and sing real pretty.

SPAM: Not the Angel I had in mind. I’m talking about my Angel.

GIDGET: You mean your secretary?

SPAM: The one and only.

GIDGET: (Blocking the door to the hotel with her body.) I haven’t seen her.

SPAM: Since you don’t want me going into that hotel I’m guessing you just told me all I needed to know. (Moving her aside.)

GIDGET: Spam, forget her. Help me find the do-hickey-thingy. I know people. I know people who know people who had lunch with a guy. He can help us sell the do-hickey-thingy for big bucks. More bucks than we could spend in a life time; in two life times. We could go away together. Just you and me and all of the pretty-pretty money.

SPAM: Just you and me?

GIDGET: Okay?

SPAM: No sale sister! The only girl for me is somewhere in this hotel and I’m going to find her.

GIDGET: Spam, I’m in trouble and I’m in deep. I’ve just got to get away.

SPAM: (Pulling cash out of his pocket.) Here’s five bucks. Take a bus. (He rushes into the hotel.)

GIDGET: Okay. I guess I know when I’m not wanted. (Gidget exits.)