Scripts For Sale
"Two Gun Junction"
by D. Chapelle
JULIET. (Entering. With arm loads of papers and ledgers.) Suze, I think I’ve figured out a way to cut our cost and raise our profits on coffee.
SUZE. (Amused.) Use less coffee, raise the price, and sell ‘em the water?
JULIET. (Serious.) Have you been peeking at my business plans?
SUZE. Juliet, I appreciate what you’re trying to do for me, I really do. You just have to remember that this is just a simple old general store three miles past the middle of nowhere. Two Gun Junction was built on a bluff and we’ve been running the town that way since then.
JULIET. Could we at least think about selling bottles of fresh water for coffee?
SUZE. What manner of idiot is going to pay for a bottle of water?
JULIET. You’d be surprised what some people will buy.
SUZE. Juliet, you just gotta face it. I ain’t the luckiest woman in the world.
JULIET. Suze, that’s utter nonsense.
SUZE. Nonsense? Darlin’, if my ship ever comes in it’ll be after the dock strike starts. I’m so unlucky if it started raining soup I’d be stuck with a store full of forks.
JULIET. I have no idea what that means.
BETTY. Adder, I hate ta give you any credit fer anything, but I got to admit that’s the best idea I heard in a long time.
ADDER. (Aside.) It is pretty good isn’t it? Too bad I have no intention of staying around long enough to put it into action.
BETTY. Just how do you plan on gettin’ Suze and that girl to work with us?
ADDER. By taking control of the store and getting rid of them.
BETTY. Sounds like a plan to me.
ADDER. Good. Now ... meet me back here tomorrow morning. Say ... say around three in the morning.
BETTY. Done. (She starts for the door, but pauses.) Just remember, Adder, cross me and the next time it rains soup you’re gonna be eatin’ with a fork.
ADDER. I have no idea what that means.
BETTY. Nobody does. But you get the general idea don’t ya?
ADDER. Regrettably, I do.
BETTY. Then I’ll see you here at three o’clock tomorrow morning.
ADDER. And I’ll need you to bring a few of your ... hired hands with you.
ADDER. Why not?
BETTY. Just remember ... I git half of whatever we’re gettin’ and I git Mace.
BETTY. Good! (Betty exits.)
ADDER. (Evil laughter.) I do hope Betty doesn’t hold it against me when I leave her high and dry. I have a schedule to keep after all. By this time tomorrow I’ll be leaving this two bit town with the lovely Juliet. And she shall be either my bride, or my baggage. (Adder exits laughing his most evil laugh as the lights fade to black.)
ADDER. (Aside.) And now to do what I do so well. (To Suze and Mace.) Good morning, good people!
SUZE. Mr. Adder! How ... where did you come from?
ADDER. New York City, but that isn’t really important. What is important is I heard opportunity knocking, I answered the door, and here I am.
MACE. It’s a little early, isn’t it, Mr. Adder?
ADDER. Nonsense, my boy, don’t you know the early bird always gets the worm?
MACE. It is really early, Suze.
ADDER. And being up this early is for the birds. Unless ... unless you hear opportunity knocking, and if opportunity is knocking it’s time to get your worm!
SUZE. I have no idea what you’re talking about.
ADDER. Nobody ever does. I’m talking about business, my dear lady. Tell you what I’m gonna do. Why don’t you scoot off to your office, and bring back your ledger book.
SUZE. Why would I show you my ledger book?
ADDER. Because you’d like to make a lot more money than you’re making now?
SUZE. Ohhh ... Oh! I’ll be right back. (Suze dashes off.)
ADDER. Mr. Romereo, I’m wondering if you might allow me and Miss Suzanne here a moment alone. I believe you do have chores, don’t you?
MACE. Oh, boy! My chores. Alabama Betty is just gonna skin me alive if ...
ADDER. Don’t worry ... Don’t worry a bit. You just tell her you were discussing business with me and all will be well.
MACE. I don’t know ...
ADDER. Matter of fact ... as a gesture of my good will I’m going to do you a great service. I’m going to buy you a brand new hat, and a brand new bandana.
ADDER. Because I’m a nice guy. (Sets about taking Mace’s hat and his bandana.) I’ve got a feeling there might be a certain young lady you would like to impress.